Via the Associated Jenkins Press
PIKE COUNTY (Pa) – The bar was placed high….who could imagine someone with the audacity, determination and liver capacity to knock a walking comatose version of a human wearing a chicken costume from the pond hockey pedestal. Where could one draw the inspiration to out fox the anti-Semitic comments made while chastising another who chose to stay at home and not punch his gong-fest time card. His attempt on the only female in the house was pure genius and the stuff that face slapping one liners are made of. And surely, any mortal human would succumb to falling in the fire if they even attempted to pickle their insides at the caliber and intensity that the Goat portrayed during night 1 of the Shit Show. Enter Ryan Berk. This daring individual pulled out all the stops on night 2 to surpass the Goat and launch himself in to pond hockey history to capture the inaugural Shit Show Cup Award. The passing of the old guard may have begun mid-day on the pond during day 2. In what may have been a symbolic foreshadow of the night to come (as well as the new hit single by Bernie and Dan Berk), the chicken suit wearing Goat challenged Berk to a battle while wearing a giant banana. The result was summed up in the lyrics by the younger of the Kenzo brothers in “Bannannnnnnnaaaaa fcuked the chickeeeeennnnnn, cuz the @sshole wuz gooooooddddd”. While some may classify this as Goat passing the baton, most viewed it as Berk ripping said baton from the frozen, hung-over chicken wing of the early favorite and running into the history books. The relationship between past and present was smoothed over as the two repositioned the keg to sit between them.
Ryan Berk was never the dark horse though. Vegas odds put him at 3-5 to win this award, ironically the same odds given to The Goat. But it may have been The Goat’s full throttle sprint out of the chicken coup on night 1 followed by him hitting a wall on night two, resulting in him passing out in a chair while wearing a seizure helmet and a mining light, that fueled the giant banana to step up his game. Berk had a pretty impressive night 1 himself, orchestrating numerous toboggan runs, terrible gas, and being the master of ceremonies for the now famous match between Chris Halligan and Bill Cleary….resulting in Bernie and Dan Berks second hit in the same tone as the first “Halliiigggaaaannnnnn fcuked the Cleeeeaaaarrryyyyy, cuz the @sshole wuz goooooood”. Make no mistake about it though…..it was Ryan Berk performance on night 2 that sealed the win and looks to push any future Shit Show Award candidate to the brink of insanity or a flight to Betty Ford. When the keg shared by the two beer behemoths was kicked, and the Goat was looking for Jones’ bed, it was Ryan Berk who decided it was time to put the Cleary’s and children to bed and go out looking for dinner. Leading the charge to the bar, eye-witnesses claimed that the pride of Kensington was in rare form. Ordering shots for multiple people, drinking all of them and proclaiming his love of the Flyers to some poor guy who happened to put on a black and orange hat that evening. While his night at the bar may have been cut short at the request of the bartender, it was the events that transpired back at the cabin for which Berk will remain famous. With the grace and poise of a bull in a china shop, our hero preformed many a cartwheel, attempted back flips and even challenged a coffee table to a shoving match. After putting our friend Corey in a leg scissor grip and surviving a ‘Shark Fin’ attack by his brother, the giant banana finally succumbed to his alcohol consumption and his night ended as abruptly as Cleary’s manhood with Berk passing out on the floor next to one of the pieces of Brett’s furniture that he broke with a flying Timberland. Once Dr. Agostino verified the presence of a pulse and positioned our blue ribbon participant on his side, the curtain came down and the cup could be awarded.