Hoagie’s Corner will serve as an outlet for Jon Buehler’s rants, raves, and streams of consciousness. Today’s column is a bit of everything, I hope you enjoy.
I thought that I would start the first ever Hoagieâ€™s Corner with a discussion about hoagies (next week’s topic, you guessed it, corners). Now, whilst I myself have never actually eaten a hoagie (I donâ€™t like cold or room temperature meat), I have made thousands in my life. Am I an expert? No. I just made a lot of them. Regardless, what interests me is not the hoagie or sandwich itself, but the person that eats them. During my years in delicatessen management, certain â€œtrendsâ€ appeared concerning who typically orders what, with what, with what on the side. The following is a recap of my field observations.
Warning: x-out of this window now if a homosexual, African American, Mexican (Eddie), fat woman, or mustachioed person is within eyeshot of the screen (basically this list is only safe for non-mustachioed white men).
- The tuna hoagie/ tuna sandwich is almost exclusively eaten by two not so different groups of people, homosexuals and men with mustaches. I remember many a time when a fanny-packed gay jogger with a mustache would stride into the deli and shamelessly order a tuna on rye with extra mayo (this type enjoys the mayo around the lips after a satisfying bite of the stinky-fish). Imagine my surprise when, after observing the homo-erotic tendencies of many tuna eaters, the second major consumer of the chicken of the sea is the big brawny type mustachioed manâ€™s man. You know the one with the tattoo of his first wifeâ€™s name across his back. While this type is obviously not gay, I had to wonder about the peculiar similarities between the two groups. Perhaps if they knew how much they had in common, there would be less need for gay bashing, or urges to go antiquing.
- Black people always get mayo on everything and they always get as many toppings or side items that they can get without you charging them. The second you mention that bacon will be fifty cents extra is the second they ask for extra salt (itâ€™s the same thing, right?). Making a cheese-steak with mayo, ketchup, mustard, pickles, hots, swts, L-T-O, salt, pepper, oil + vinegar, etc. almost makes you want to have a heart attack and die, almost.
- Mexicans, gotta love em. And boy do they love all things spicy. Hot pepper flakes on everything. You canâ€™t help but imagine all of the food that you are making for them, what it looks like now, and what it will look like later (in deli speak: a â€œNow & Laterâ€), splattering allover someone elseâ€™s nice porcelain no doubt.
- Fat women. Cheese-steak hoagie, add bacon, extra mayo, large fries and a diet coke (sheâ€™s on a diet you know).
- Most disgusting sandwich I ever made: tuna, bacon, hot dog, spicy mustard, and raw onions on a 12â€ roll. It made me want to throw up, which, incidentally, was what it smelled like. I am sure it was a just as tasty going in as it was coming out.