Professional Rejects to Form New League
Various sources confirm the implementation of a new league to take the place of the existing National Hockey League. The Nobackchecking Hockey League will start play immediately. The league will be filled with players who, for various reasons, have been turned away by the “old” NHL. League commissioner Billy “the goat” Melissen, flanked by his two trusty assistants, the Hoagie Brothers, predicted a successful start to a new era of hockey. When asked their opinions on Melissen’s glowing optimism, Hoagie One and Hoagie Two merely argued over who created a better recipe for matzo ball soup (It was these such arguments that got the brothers banned from the “old” NHL, some insiders say). The name of the league comes from the suggestion of Brian Jones, known simply as “the heavy kid.”
“Do you have any idea how much energy it takes to lug 240 lbs. up and down the ice? Cardiovascular activity is not in my repertoire,” Jones explained. “It also enables us to drink more beer. There are reports that Pabst Brewing Company will be our sponsor, which makes me and the rest of the players very happy. I haven’t been this excited since I filled my bathtub with chocolate pudding.”
Along with Jones and Melissen, the league is hoping to attract even more star-power. Joining them is a litany of top-quality players fed up with what they are seeing in the former pro ranks. Says former Montreal Canadien Jean-Andre Francois Lennertz, “I’ve been having a tough time ever since Canada made sodomy illegal. Hopefully, all of the games will be played in the USA, where our sexual deviance won’t be a problem.” Lennertz was joined by his German “partner”, Baron Ulrich Johann von Brnich. Holding hands and sipping white zinfandel as they spoke, the two seemed pleased with being able to resume their hockey careers together. “Ve are vaiting to hear ze details of ze new league, but ve are very exzited”, Brnich said. Six-time All Star and turnover record-holder Tyrone Bootzpatrick has also agreed to suit up. “Dude, no drug tests, unlimited beer, what more could you ask for? The only thing that would make this league complete is if they put an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet in the rink.” When pressed for further comment, Bootzpatrick suddenly rose from his seat and said, “Let me get back to you, all this Chinese food talk is making me and Jones hungry. We’re going to go find a buffet and put them out of business.”
However, the league is not without its fair share of controversy. Reports have surfaced that suggest that Mohammed Talibob al-Grillaziz will try to sign with a team. al-Grillaziz has not played professionally in 3 years. He was banned from competition while playing for Kutztown University. Confidential sources in the FBI have revealed that he was deported after he was found trying to smuggle plastic explosives in his skates onto the ice during a game against Millersville University. This earned him the nickname “the skate bomber.” Also raising some eyebrows is the return of shadowy underworld figure Krysztoph Wangerini, a well-known thug in local Mafioso circles. Wangerini was recently acquitted in his trial in which he was accused of burying Philadelphia Mayor John Street in a scrap metal heap. “I just wanna, like, play hockey, man, heh heh heh,” Wangerini said when reached for comment. The mayor’s body has still not been found, but that may be because no one’s looking.
Stay tuned for more updates and player/team bios…